::United Concert...Take it All::

May 25, 2007

Last night I was at the Hillsong United concert. Singing along to lyrics so powerful they make you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. Something like a love song. But really, like a love song that makes you realize that you've not done a very good job of loving. Then the realization that love is the most important thing you can do in this life. And then, the sudden tug inside you that makes you want to change the path you've been leading yourself along.



I've not been the best at loving. I'm not so great at loving God, others, or even myself. I'm sorry if you've felt that. Forgive me please?



I plan to resolve this. Lord, help me.

::personal training::

April 20, 2007
Personal Training Day 1: ouch.

I hurt in muscles I never knew existed. (Yes Kristina, I need you.)

When I signed up for this deal I thought, "no problem. I was an athlete most of my life. Working out is no big deal." HA!
About 10 minutes into my training session I realized that I had never really worked out... ever... never ever!

My trainer, Brian is a cool guy. Encouraging, positive, forgets to count!!

After the little less than 50 minutes were over, attempting to write my name on a sheet of paper proved to be agonizingly painful. To which, my dear Brian responded, "Oh, that's sooo good." I fear for next Thursday.

I was however relieved that the steroid pumped meat heads were much more concerned at looking at their flexed muscles in the mirror than at me stumbling over weights on the workout floor. It's a little softer on the ego when there arent as many eyes watching me nearly collapse after squats. Squats are evil!

All I have to say is WATCH OUT Boys, I'm about to be super hot in 5 weeks. Super Hott!

Try not to drool.

=)

Intimacy and Solidarity vs. Isolation

Thursday 2/15/2007 10pm

So, I bought this beautiful new journal. I'm not much of a writer and my spelling and penmanship are atrocious (I spell checked that one). Despite my literary shortcomings, I bought this journal.
Today, being the day after Valentine's Day, I sit in the Harbor House Café in Sunset Beach, CA. Mark this as Day #1 of my journey along some undefined road on my search of only God knows what. Given the theme of the

love month

and the fact that I'm a 20-something female, my recent thoughts have been consumed with ideals, desires, longings, fears, etc. of (what else?) men. Oy ve!
So, I bought this beautiful journal with hopes that one day I'd write something truly profound. Maybe I'll write something that will rock the minds of 20-somethings in the early 2000's. Yet, as I continue to sip coffee in this chaotic café, waiting for my intellectual revolution to strike, my mind is still consumed with the ideals of a wonderful, handsome, man. Geesh.

I've expressed to a few people that with the amount of time and energy that I've put into thinking about men and relationships, I could have used similar intellectual efforts into thinking up something productive. For instance, I could have spent the same efforts thinking up a solution to world hunger, and probably would have solved it some time last week.
I really despise the fact that my thought life is devoted to thinking about relationships with the opposite sex, or rather at the moment, my lack there of. I loathe the idea that I seriously could accomplish something grand if I wasn't wasting precious oxygen and glucose for trivial, juvenile purposes.

Brittany Stringfellow Otey tells me that I'm

task age appropriate

, which is slightly comforting. But, I don't want to use my quest through Erikson's

Intimacy & Solidarity vs. Isolation stage

as an excuse for my thoughts being so consumed. Should I be feeling guilty? If what BSO & Erikson say is true, then there is a possibility that I've been designed to have these desires for a husband. I've been under the impression that I need to be 100% satisfied with being alone, just me and the big G-O-D. Quite possibly however, I could be perfectly normal & appropriate in my longing for a partner. Is this what Christ has planned for me? Do I not feel 100% complete until I'm with the one God have in store for me? At what point can these thoughts go too far? What is too consuming? Where is that line, have I crossed it?

My room mate Anna & I are starting a book entitled Every Woman's Battle. It addresses issues surrounding emotional and sexual purity. Here's the opening verse:

You stumble day & night… My people are destroyed from lack of Knowledge.

– Hosea 4:5-6

I guess I better start studying.

One huge lesson I'm learning… Keeping my thoughts and desires in check!

The one who sows to please [her] sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.

–Galatians 6:8

But each one is tempted when, by [her] own evil desires, [she] is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire is conceived, it gives birth to sin; & sin; when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

–James 1:14-15

Ok, so according to Shannon Ethridge, sowing seeds of emotional & mental compromise leads to reaping a harvest of relational destruction. Guilty!
Some wisdom from Paul,

So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!... Therefore, prepare your mind for action; be self-controlled… Do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written 'Be holy, because I am holy',…Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.

-1Corinthians 10:12; 1Peter 1:13-16; Ephesians 5:3

Ethridge mentions that a life of

balance & integrity

consists of perfect balance between physical, mental, emotional & spiritual dimensions of our being. Ok, thank you for giving validity to the physical aspect of women's needs. Now, I have a challenge here! For those of us

waiting

until marriage, it sounds to me that a truly balanced life is really hard to achieve without a spouse. Ok, I understand that I need to make every effort to let God meet these needs. And, I know I need to guard my body, mind, heart & spirit for my husband. So, how do I find this perfect balance before marriage? Is my only hope for true balance and fulfillment to be found in a continued pursuit of Christ with a husband? Am I incomplete without my mate or, is he compliment to completeness? I'm beginning to not understand my own questions… But here's another… To what extent can I allow myself to connect with a man in these areas before marriage? I know the physical answer is a bit more obvious, but what about the mental, emotional and spiritual? Now, I have a headache. I'll think about these questions later.

Ok, honesty time… One of my biggest struggles is feeling a need to have attention from guys. Even if I don't want to

be with him

, I still want his attention. It's a totally unhealthy, common struggle among women. I really need this out of my heart. Ok, so maybe I can try to go a bit more un-noticed. Now, I don't mean dressing like and old maid & hiding in dark corners. But a more modest look would help. And, I really don't need to go around introducing myself to men. If they want to meet me, I should let them take the first step (I thought I already knew this one, but I'm lame and neglected to actually practice it). I'll try it out for awhile. After all, it's much easier to resist eating chocolate cake when you're not sitting right in front of it.

I think my priorities are out of whack. Have I forgotten the greatest commandment?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself.

–Matthew 22:37-40

Eh, what's the big deal? It's just silly thoughts and dreams, right? Wrong! Check out what Paul has to say,

Everything is permissible, -but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible –but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1Corinthians 10:23-24
In my search for

whatever

, or on my journey of

I have no idea

, I need to constantly keep the best interest of other's in mind. So, no matter how cute he is, smooth talking, or begging me to

kiss him like I mean it

… if I'm not benefiting him in a righteous way, it's best to keep my distance. And, as far as the modest dressing goes, it's going to help build my guy friends up a whole lot more than the miniskirts and plunging neck lines. (Sorry, guys… I've not been too helpful in the past). And as for my thoughts and silly dreams… Do they honor others, or just meet the needs of my own dysfunctional cravings? Geesh! This figuring out life stuff is hard!

Application pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!
Ok, Goal Setting time!!
~Keep in check: thoughts, words, emotions, & actions.
~Reflect sincere love for God, others & myself (in that order!!)
~Don't dress to seek male attention in a seductive manner. (As I'm writing this one I notice the wandering eyes of the guys at the table across from me follow a couple miniskirts).
~Live by standards of love & set a good example in my life.

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body [& my mind] & make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

-1Corinthians 9:26-27
~Don't compare my physical appearance with other women.
~Work on my relationships with my "sisters".
~Work on my Heart!!!

The good [woman] brings good things out of the good stored up in [her] heart, and the evil [woman] brings evil things out of the evil stored up in [her] heart.

-Luke 6:45
~Resist temptation!

Dear friends, I urge you as aliens and strangers of this world, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.

-1Peter 2:11

Friday 2/16/2007 12:46am... still @ the cafe

A few final treasures as I start to realize the intense work & energy that I need to put in toward pursuing intimacy with God, not another man.

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord?
Who may stand in His holy place?
He who has clean hands and pure heart.
Who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

–Psalm 24:3-4

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.

–Romans 12:2

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self- discipline.

-2Timothy 1:7

::Phantom Pain::

i know it's not there, so why does it hurt?

it sneeks up on me. pain of the loss. memory of love. that battle between head and heart. my head won. my heart lost. my desicion made. my desire ignored. a friendship gone. a lover hurt. it's over. for the best. it wasn't healthy. it's done. but sometimes, like a phantom, it sneeks up on me.

i know it's not there, so why does it hurt?

"What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?"

Head Games

head games that we women play on ourselves can be pretty brutal. we struggle with the intense need to feel intimacy and be loved. and of course we often focus this desire toward the ever complicated, yet far too simple opposite sex. there is this constant inner struggle to wait for the right guy vs. settling for Mr. Right Now. i was reading Cosmo Magazine today... i know, i know, not the best source for advice. but anyhow, i was reading it. this sleazy magazine admits that many women settle for temporary physical intimacy because of a deeper desire to have emotional intimacy, and even Cosmo admits this to be destructive. so, as i find myself in a boy crazed state of heart i'm reminded, even by Cosmopolitan Magazine, that real intimacy is worth the wait.

i had a great conversation today with a friend of mine about making a checklist of things that i want in a guy. well, i had one a long time ago. then, someone told me that my standards are too high and i'm setting myself up for disappointment. but, honestly, i think the check list idea is great, even if it does include silly little thinks like, "must like roller coasters", "loves to travel", "loves to dance", "must be tall enough so i can wear heals". lol. ok, so there were far more important things on my list as well.

the message at my church today was a great one, the issue of looking for intimacy in the wrong places was addressed. i have to admit, i've been guilty of this in my life. but oh man, how the heart suffers. so in the message the pastor spoke of having intimacy with Christ and how He desires a relationship with us that can fulfill much of our need for intimacy. yes, we still have needs for community and relationships but ultimately we have a stronger need for intimacy with God. i know i feel this, and my happiest, healthiest times are when i'm spiritually in tune, intimate if you will, with Christ.

so why is it so easy for me to forget this? why is it so easy to forget my passions for God and fixate them on that cute guy over there at the end of the bar? ok, ok that's an exaggeration. but what about the good friend of x-number of years, or the nice guy from work, or the intelligent guy from class who slowly but surely woos or smiles his way into your little heart? and what about when that guy ends up being not so fantastic after all because well, there's a handful of other girls getting the same flashy smile?

ok, so what's my point? i don't know yet. i'm just figuring this out as i go along. i do know that my strong desire is to have intimacy with Christ and to let Him work out the boy stuff. lol. let's see how well i do.

9 11, I remember.

9 11. I remember.

I remember how for a moment in time, so many things didn't matter. It didn't matter what color you were or if you were female or male. It didn't matter your age, religion, sexual orientation, or political beliefs. For a moment, before fingers started pointing, people came together in love. We supported each other in our grief. We bonded in our love for the fallen and lost. We praised the efforts of our heroes. Together we stood united, not just as a country, but as human beings. We turned our focus from ourselves and placed it onto what really mattered... people, love, hope. 5 years ago today, for a moment, people understood what really mattered. So, as we remember 9 11, let's not get wrapped up in the politics or theories. Instead, let's remember the lesson of love that was learned. Let's remember our heroes. Let's remember what our hearts felt that day. I believe, in the midst of the carnage and the terror, God did bless America. He covered us with love and hope. He cradled us in His loving arms and began to mend our hearts with His healing touch. He allowed us to prove to ourselves that we can unite for a common cause of loving one another. Let's remember 9 11 by loving and as a result... America can start Blessing God.

Beautiful

There is something about Jesus that is beautiful to me. He is the greatest being ever! He should have to do nothing other than sit back, relax and have people serve and praise Him. Yet, He chooses to interact with us. He chooses to spend His time helping us, improving us. He knows that even with His constant tugging on our hearts, that man will still disobey, we will still fail and sin. Yet He continues because He loves us so much. My struggle is that I take this for granted I think. I should be on my knees every day in awe of Him and praising Him. But I'm not. And still, He is patient with me. Even though I am soooo impatient, He is patient with me. When I fail, He is perfect and displays His perfect love to me.

This confuses me so much because I can't understand why He would still want to do that. He pours His whole heart out to me and I stomp on it every time I sin. And still, He returns and gives me the whole thing all over again.

He's so great. I don't deserve it.

Lessons in Life.

Yesterday, I got to spend a lovely day at Disneyland with three of my Dominican friends Betsy, Moises and Jusan (I don't know if I spelled that correctly). Other than having an amazing time I had the opportunity to learn one important life lesson. Moises pointed out to me that everything, I mean EVERYTHING can teach you something about your life. For example, he told me that he learned a life lesson from the Rollercoaster. He is an amazing teacher that is for sure. I liked his story about trying to go snorkeling with a life vest on. If you are a weak swimmer, you have to wear a life vest. As you are swimming, you want to dive down and see the beautiful creatures under the water, but the vest keeps you up. If you had trained yourself in swimming and diving, you would not need the vest. You would not be hindered, and you would be able to fully enjoy the experience. But, because you did not prepare yourself, you have to wear the vest. So you cannot fully enjoy it. Moises said, it is the same with our life. That we need to be spiritually strengthened so that we can fully enjoy what God has to offer in our life. That we carry things that hinder us because we are not prepared.

Oh God, help me to throw off all thath hinders. Help me to grow in strength and endurance. You know my weakness, you know my flaws.
¡Por favor Señor, ayudame!

This is how my heart breaks.

These holes in my jeans show how I've been hurting,
and remind me of the pain from our broken past.
Finally understanding there is no prescription,
in a love that was never meant to last.

Your expectations of me never met,
The woman I am differed from ideals you'd set.

Always feeling like number 3 from the list,
I never measuring up to the others you missed.

I had to be free of the prison I was in,
Free from the year and months of our sin.

My heart aches with loneliness from breaking,
But nothing as devastating as mistakes we'd been making.

Now it's freedom I see,
Freedom to be the one Christ made me.

While pain and love still linger on,
It's He who has me in His grasp so strong.

He's moving, I feel it, in brokenness and pain.
There will always be bright days after rain.

Lord I crave your strength, please guard my heart.
When souls are this deep it's so hard to part.

I break only for You now, the One who loves deeply.
I pray that you hold me and love me and keep me.

Discovering love.

It’s not everyday that you discover a love like this. So passionate, so liberating, so purposeful and life giving. It’s indescribable, and yet here I find myself trying desperately to verbalize the intensity at which I experience this love.

My God, my King, my Love, my Lord. Thank you for the life you’ve breathed into me. Thank you for the freedom I find in you. Thank you for the purpose I have as your ambassador. Thank you for the love I experience as your daughter, your princess. You freed me from the constraints of this selfish world. You rescued me from myself, my own disgusting desires of self destruction.

How can I show appreciation to such a deserving God, when I am not worthy to call out your name? Is my life enough? Is this heart enough? If I give it all, am I enough?

I love you with every inch of my being, every cell that shapes me. My heart beats for your purpose alone. My blood burns to please only you. My soul longs to be yours forever.

What will you have with me? Where will you move me?

You are my passion and I will follow you. Yes, until death. Yes, lacking conditions.

Your love letter is the one that is trustworthy. I sing love songs to you even in my darkest hour.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23

Una canción

letting go: a song by jaime rose


This time, you weren’t all the you seemed,
It wasn’t all that I’ve dreamed.
In my mind, thought I saw love in your eyes,
I didn’t know it was all lies.
This time, I gave you all my devotion,
I know you felt that emotion.
In my mind, you were perfect for me,
I gave you all my heart for free.

But now I’m letting go
I’m letting go

I’m letting go with confidence,
That this life’s gunna bring me another chance.
You could never love me as I am
We were never all we seemed at second glance.
So I’m letting go
I’m letting go

Next time, I’ll find the one that is better,
He’s gunna love me forever.
In Gods’ mind, he’ll be perfect for me
So I’ll give him all my heart for free.
Next time, still givin’ all my devotion
He’s gunna feel that emotion.
In my mind, a sweeter love is what I see,
It’s gunna happen for me.

I’m letting go with confidence,
That this life’s gunna bring me another chance.
You could never love me as I am
We were never all we seemed at second glance.

So I’m letting go
I’m letting go
I’m letting go

Love, won’t you give me just one more chance?

Love that speaks in free verse.

Why is it that we women always have love on our minds? Sigh... Well, since I am a women I will share a thought on love...

I want a love that speaks in free verse.

The following is a modest insight into the inspiration of a love that speaks in free verse. I do apologize if this is not understandable, but I hope you find it interesting...In Shakespearian Romeo and Juliet, Romeo shows love for two women. First, he loves Rosaline of whom he speaks of in iambic pentameter. This illustrates that Romeo loves her in a religious, by the book type of method. This love has a how to, a set of regulations and rules on how one is to love the other. When Romeo speaks to Juliet however, he speaks in free verse, which illustrates that his love is a passionate out pouring of the heart with no rules to restrain, contain, nor govern it. That's the form of love I desire... A love that speaks in free verse.

I don't know why this is a struggle for some people. I've felt too often that I just fit into the "life plan" of my significant other. He thought he needed a good wife, I am a good woman, therefore I would be a good wife for him. NO! What about the deep, passionate longing to be one with me? Not just physically, but one with my soul? Genesis states that the man and woman become one. Oneness. In order to have oneness you must desire the whole person, not just the idea of an "ideal" marriage partner. I've been bruised and scarred by the expectations of being some perfect, ideal person. While claims were made that love was true, it wasn't. Sure, the idea of being a great match seemed wonderful, but it wasn't really me they loved. It was the idea of marrying a woman like me that they loved. So when my flaws shown through, the love was proven to be conditional. And so, I cannot believe that I've ever been truly loved. Not like Romeo loved Juliet. Yes, maybe it is wild and careless at times... But it's freeverse, passionate and true.

~ Inspired by two of my favorite authors ~ William Shakespeare & Donald Miller

blogging 101

Today marks day 1 of my blogging endeavors. Don't get your hopes up too much, the likelihood of me actually remembering to post on a regular basis is quite slim. I hope you enjoy reading my journey through figuring life out.